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If you’re like me, the entire competitive sports experience is all the more exciting when you’re rooting for a team. I lost most of my interest in the 2010 NBA Play-Offs as soon as my beloved Blazers got knocked out by Phoenix (curse you, Amaré Stoudemire!). This sports fan was left without a team to cheer for (since I’ll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I ever root for the Lakers). So when I first discovered the glorious sport of roller derby I was immediately faced with an important decision: which team is my team?
This would be the team whose name I would chant in the stands, whose colors I would proudly wear to every bout and scrimmage, whose skater’s names and numbers I would commit to memory and make garish signs to wave in the faces of their enemies. So how does one choose? Most wins? Snazziest uniforms? Hottest skaters? I’m here to help you decide, just in time for the semi-finals (June 4th-5th) and the 2010 Championships (June 19th).
First, in the interest of full disclosure, here’s the condensed version of my “coming-to-derby” religious experience. My friend (the Superfan known as Dancing Scott) and I wandered into the hangar after CheapSkate at Oaks Park last December to catch the tail end of a practice. It was my first foray into the world of roller derby and I was hooked from the moment I walked into the hangar. I literally felt the electricity in the room coursing through my body and out my eyeballs. I looked out onto the track and my gaze fell upon a poised, athletic, bad-ass/goddess hybrid in animal print derby shorts. ‘Who is that?’ I wondered, awe-struck. That skater was Blood Clottia. Now, to be fair, Blood probably gets plenty of people hooked on roller derby. But while she is definitely the reason why I took an interest in GNR initially, she is not the only reason I’ll be cheering for them to win it all. You’ll hear more about those reasons later. For now, let’s talk about how our supremely talented home teams have been doing this season, and the unique qualities that set each of them apart.
The Breakneck Betties are most well-known for a couple of things. They are the 2009 League Champions (which they absolutely love to remind everyone about). They are also known for their cohesiveness on the track. They communicate well, they skate well together; they are a well-oiled machine. Their skaters are aggressive and hard-hitting (Licker*N*Split is faster than greased lightning and capable of laying girls out with a single hit). Five of their skaters are also on the All-Star travel team Wheels of Justice. However, despite expectations that the Betties would continue last year’s dominating run on the competition they are coming into the semi-finals ranked #3 in the league. Non-performance-related factors that may influence your decision to root for the Betties include their red, retro racing gear, and the lovely and loud Marollin’ Monroe.
The High Rollers are, admittedly, the team I know the least about. I was told coming into the season that they are usually the underdogs, but their performance so far has certainly proved otherwise. They pulled off a major upset this season by beating the Betties, largely thanks to the return of retired-but-couldn’t-stay-away skater Madame Bumps-A-Lot. The High Rollers have five skaters on Wheels of Justice, including skilled jammer Sully Skullkicker, who makes blazing around the track look effortless. They sport green, gold, and purple, and are headed to the semi-finals #2 in the league. Oh, and the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll himself is their mascot. How can you not love that?
The Heartless Heathers hold the #1 spot in the league, with fancy new uniforms and impressive wins over the Betties and GNR. The Heathers have shown an incredible development of talent this season. New Fresh Meat draft The Blast Unicorn wowed us all with her sparkly tights and miraculous jamming abilities. Twat Rocket (who scares the crap out of me, just a little bit) started the season being known mostly for her name, and is now known for her versatility on both offense and defense. And of course, watching Scratcher In The Eye fly around the track dodging blocks left and right is enough to get anyone fired up. Three of their skaters also play for Wheels of Justice. The Heathers wear blue and black, they leave their opponents black and blue, and they have some very loyal, very confident fans.
The Guns N Rollers are coming into the semi-finals in last place, which is surprising considering the wealth of talent on their roster. A whopping seven of their skaters are on Wheels of Justice, the most out of any of the home teams. They started the season with a lot of GNR-newcomers, picking up four new drafts from Fresh Meat as well as fan favorite Cadillac, who traded her Betties uniform for GNR black. The word is that GNR looks the best on paper, and has been putting in some extra practice time to polish their teamwork and strategy before the semi-finals. Most of my favorite skaters play for GNR, the team I choose to root for because of their butt-rockin’, horn-throwin’, fishnet-wearin’ attitudes, and because of the raw talent and athleticism they bring to the track.
It is utterly impossible to summarize all our wonderful home teams in one paragraph each. This is not meant to be a prediction on the outcome of the championships, but a snapshot to help newbie fans decide whether to join the Ice Box (for Heathers fans), Breakneck Alley (Betties), the Players Club (High Rollers), or the Jungle (GNR). There are plenty of places to get more info about these teams, including team pages, standings and stats, and the fan forum. Check out the heated debate on our forum to hear fans and skaters battle over who’s team is the best team. See you at the semi-finals!
